I WILL REMEMBER

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I am here hoping that the times I lay on my bed at 09:00am in the morning would not count. And somewhere in the mix of life it wont stand out enough for me to remember some thirty years down the line. But who am I fooling?

Isnt it strange how the bad and sad memories always stand out? I just read two different blog posts today that prove this fact. The first is a lady tryna remember her very first memory and coming up with the memory of an accident that may not even be hers only because it somehow stuck in there and wouldnt allow itself be shaken. The second is a story beeen told by a lady some 5 years past midlife, who has seen as much as her 40 years of lie would let her see; and then she reminninsces of that time of her life that is soft and poignant and a tad bit sad. Why do the mundane and normal and sad somehow find a way of standing out, bobbing up in our memories?

I know I would remember this point in my life and I may not know or even realise it then, but I would mourn the loss and scant usage of this time of my life. Things could change and in a year or even less I would be everything I dreamt or ever wanted for myself or I could be half way there but I would still remember. The times would cause good fortune and this busy-ness I so crave on me and I would virtually almost be busy for the rest of my life but I would still remember this time. This time that carves itself in my memory better than all the laughter filled times.

I see the past and I see the future, but I remember these times more.

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A grateful heart

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It’s come full circle again and I am grateful to God for the life he has given me and the choices he’s let me make.

I am grateful for the people who know the real me and realise I might be insane but love me more for it; My Clyde, Zillo and Shyinn they are the love I did not chose and have been the constants in my life for soo long. If our association were choice, I couldn’t have made better. Thank you guys for the yes’s and the no’s, it all adds up.

My parents, whose prayers coast me along from day to day, Whose seeds sown without the thought for gain I have reaped; and whose love is always visible and a constant. You are the centre of all my best memories; your been there/here makes/made a huge difference. I love you and I hope time will let me show it with actions.

I am grateful for great friends; really great friends who are my real wealth. You guys are my blessings and I thank God for you every day. Even when you are saying nuffin and just living your lives I am inspired. I love you guys.

This is for all those who waited patiently by the side while I “found” myself and to you who has walked with me for almost as long as I can remember “I love you”; you are part of my story-part of my life and I wouldn’t erase your part in it or live it any other way.

My best friends through the years, remarkable and great individuals; you make my life seem enchanted and I love you.

And you!

Yes you! Thank you.

Since August last year you have made me take stock, opened my eyes and heart to dreaming again, taught me how to get back on the straight and narrow and not just with words, but actions; saved me from myself-that most of all. Thanks for the straight jacket. You are my number one friend and mentor.

I may never be able to write the story of my life, but it’s been beautiful. Now I wouldn’t even be on this page if not for the love of GOD. I have gone through phases of my life where it seemed like I was on my own and God had somehow overlooked me, only in retrospect do these memories appear as blessings. There have been tough and crazy times-do not be fooled by appearances, but GODs love… God’s love for me brings tears to my eyes and a glow to my heart.

“LORD you know I would have no story without your grace. It may seem like a slow tortuous journey but I trust in you enough to know I am getting somewhere even if I cannot see it with my human eyes. I am grateful for you picking me, helping me, loving me even when there would be over a 100million people better than I am and more deserving of your time. Thank you for making me different, and showing me that ‘whatever’ and ‘however’ are not constants and that it’s all about YOU.

This life right here is made possible by JESUS and his sacrifice. Lord, help me through it all and everyday to never forget this fact or take this knowledge for granted.

This girl is grateful.

SELF ASSESSMENT

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I havent been on here for much recently, and I do not have any recent material. However I have something to post today; right now. Though the post itself is old; I wrote it a while back but did not post it. Its better than nothing or I should let you be the judge of that. And also soon after this would be my birthday post, like this post, its been sitting on my desktop just taking space. I know it was last month but I couldnt come on here, its an apreciation of all the people in my life. its my gratitude. Though both messages arent really on the same page; however, they were both sincere expressions of how i felt at the time each was written. Here is the first titled: Self Assessment.

 

Hey there!

Its one of those days when even though there doesnt seem to be time enough for all the physical tasks, and there is a lot to do; the most pressing seems to be something that totally eludes me. Because I often experience this feeling and have since I was a child, I know enough to realise that the thing that is the most pressing eludes me because it isnt a physical chore, its a mental one.

Everyonce in a while, to stay sane I have to assess everything around me; Like my relationship with God, friends, family members both distant and close who have come within my orbit in the past one week. I also access my activities as well as what has been uppermost in my thoughts in the last week.

This week has been one of a kind for me, and because I have been exposed to so much (due to the fact that I started a new job), there is wayy too much data for me to process. However I have made a mental note to not assess any of my colleagues at my new job because assessing them will make me form opinions already without proper insight. I am thinking a weeks interaction is not enough base to build an opinion on character even though I am mostly a very good judge of character.

So now that I have ruled out the job as a possible worry influence; whats left is family and friends. Hmm, family…, now I am wondering why I did not start this blog as an anonymous blog, I would have been able to air my soul rightabout now but for the fact that my sister may soon be here visiting. So thats put paid to that!. Any opinions bout family stays in!.

Haa, I am left with friends. hmmm.

I am one of those girls who finds it easier to maintain close friendships with people of the opposite sex. So since I was in primary 1, my closest friends have been guys. From Tobe in primary 1 to Abimbola in primary 3 and then Orobosa in primary 4. In primary 5 and secondary school, I tried and maintained close friendships with girls though, but as one of the group. It wasnt bad but maybe that was because I never really opened up about myself. So over the years, I have learnt not to open up to anyone; choosing to do the self assessment thing instead. But I wish I never let up. I wish I DIDNT SUCCEED IN CONVINCING MYSELF AT A TIME THAT IT WAS EASIER TO LIVE WITHOUT ALL THAT CONTROL.

So today I am assessing my friendships with my loved ones; the love I did choose and I am here gasping for breath. I have been varying things to my three closest friends of recent. Most of which I cannot brag about. Before I pour out more than my soul can bear to lose, lemme end this line right here.

This week its come to my knowledge that in the past  three years I have evolved more than all the rest years of my life. I am actually an emotionally strong person but circumstances have interfered to break that part of me. I have cried in the last three years than in all the rest years of my life combined; and for varying things. The friendships I have formed in these period have been “needy” ones. I have relied too much on friends than I usually do. And in unusual fashion I have told all, bared my soul. That has taken away much of the mystery surrounding me; what makes me me.

All these has come up now, because I am evolving again. I am getting my strength back. I am building myself to be emotionally strong again. This process involves auditing my current friendships. I admit I have been blessed with some really great friends who have helped build me, and add to me daily. I love my friends and I am glad that they shared my life and are part of my story. But I cant carry along a crowd so I would be pruning and shearing. I admit that I wont be cutting anyone of, but I would be limiting my availabilty to a large extent, and this is because I need to find me again.

The next stage of my life is one I want to enter in with a great sense of self. I have made mistakes and have blundered through life like an hour old calf, still blind from the womb. I have been slow at too much and have dreamed too little. I am reorienting myself and learning to need people less. I am starting to dream and to believe again. I am waking up to the realisation that I may not have lost anytime and to quit mourning; because who knows how much time still is left for anyone? Seventy might be the start for some whilst others may start at !5 and be long gone before 30, so who is to say?

And to my friends, even though I might not need you so much anymore, this doesnt mean I dont still love you or that I love you anyless; it just means I am growing up and getting strong and finding my own. At the end its my race and theres somethings that only me can help me with.

Thank you for been there for me when I was broken, and for letting me lean all my weight on you. And for holding my hands even when you knew I was keen on self destructing. Thank you for carrying me as often as you did; but this is the part where I go on my own, so someday I too might have the strength to carry you too.

Dream the impossible

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Most times I feel life could work with almost the same principles as a dream. In that in your dreams, if you will anything to happen, as much as you believe it would, then it just does.

When we want or desire something to happen, no matter how impossible it may seem, when we absolutely believe it can happen, what we do is build a bridge between the spiritual and the physical. That bridge transports and transforms our ideas into reality.

Lots of impossible things have happened already. Really crazy-impossible things that were we not already living it, we would vow they were impossible; things like our mobile phones, earlier in the world’s history that would have been termed an impossible feat, but today I just spoke with a friend in a far off continent of the world and in real-time too and I didn’t have to talk into a sea shell or anything of that sort.

Most everything we have now was once impossible, but someone believed enough to bring them into reality.

Your dreams are small fry compared to the impossible things happening all over the world now. Hey! it’s never too late to join the people who are believing enough to build the cars you ride or the bridges or those reinventing the world of communications; people who just like you are making life happen only because they have faith like the mustard seed.

Life is easy some times. The really hard things have the easiest solutions. You don’t have to pay anything to hold a dream in your heart. Neither do you have to make any deposit to have the faith to believe. You are alive! You are part of life! You count! Dare to dream! Make life happen!.

Lastly, make it worth it, dream the impossible; a wise man will tell you there are no impossibilities. Start now.

 

DEACTIVATE

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Yesterday for me was just one of those days. I woke up very enthusiastic and happy and before noon everything was out of focus. When I found the space to breathe and think, I realised that recently things have been like that for me in almost all areas of my life; the expectations that somehow always manage to get dashed to smithereens. It’s not a pleasant feeling when ALL of your expectations manages to get cut off, and in like all areas of your life. Nothing reduces a person faster.

Anyone who reads this must think to get disappointed so much I must have impossible expectations or really huge ones. The shame of it is that my expectations manage to fall a little short of routine.I wont go off and blame myself for having expectations; what I would do is berate myself for balancing them on anyone. Now all the lessons I learnt while growing up are beginning to highlight themselves in my head.

Dont tie your happiness on anyone person

Dont allow others do for you what you can do for yourself

Dont, never build anything that is worth anything around anyone that isn’t you.

Reserving exclusive spaces in your life for anyone that doesn’t do the same for you is a NO NO

I could go on and on.

But this isn’t about lessons learnt; it’s about me loving myself to be able to stop an unhealthy trend that has started in my life.

I love everybody that is a part of my life. Even though I may occasionally frown at their principles or way of doing things, but nothing can or will take away the love. A persons presence in my life may cause me to grow in unbelievable ways and build me up to standards I never imagined but when something they do is gassing me; then what am I supposed to do? I have tried the balancing thing in my head; where I am supposed to put both effects on a scale and weigh the positives and the negatives, like try to find out which weighs more and I have done just that for most of my expectations; and most times the positive wins.

Maybe it’s not just the expectations; maybe its the feeling that remains in the wake of the dashed expectations. This dark cloying feeling that takes away the world from me, makes me feel like I am marked. This feeling that makes me feel unimportant or like I don’t count at all; like I am an afterthought. It’s just the darkness.

I could get used to it; if I focus on the love and the positives but I have resolved not to. I owe myself a duty to love myself more than I could love anyone person or project or thing or more than any desire. I owe myself the radiance  from living and thinking positive and happy thoughts all the time. I owe myself the chance to live! Not be an afterthought to someone who is set on their way and living already.

Another truth is that when darkness comes into your life through any means, it doesnt stay still; it spreads. It tries to get in other areas of your life that are healthy and causes you to question yourself. It wreaks havoc on your imagination and makes you see yourself as small and irrelevant. For this reason I wont condone it because I know my life feeds off my imagination; as such my imagination and mind needs to dwell on positive and happy things; on progress and love; on success and happiness; on being needed and useful etc etc.

Most times change hurts, and the positives do not make it any easier; they keep calling out and trying to remind you of what good they have been and what you may be missing; just like when you want to take a break from Facebook and you go to deactivate your account; there is usually a list of some close friends with pictures and Facebook reminds you that they would miss you in a bid to get you to change your mind. There would be days when it would hurt, and seems like the change would most probably kill you; and then there would of course be withdrawal symptoms; but I hope I am ready for all that because I have come to a decision and I have chosen to preserve me.

The next step now is to DEACTIVATE.

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Goal Habits.com

Let’s Celebrate…

Q1, 2012 is in the record books. What…you haven’t accomplished all that you planned; WHAT…hardly anything? Oh, my!

Well, the good news is you’re hardly alone. In fact, you’re in the majority. We really are a species of habitual procrastinators. So, apparently, you fit right in. After all, most of us do like to feel as if we’re one of the crowd.

Now for the bad news, if you had planned to accomplish X, and didn’t, you bargained with the devil. You repeatedly forfeited some portion of your future success, abundance, and/or happiness for some short-term pleasure or comfort. Hardly a fair exchange, although at the time it may have seemed so.

Now for some more good news, you can still salvage your year. Oh, I know you have no doubt that you intend that you will …right? However, lacking a palpable change, Q2, Q3, and Q4…

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