I havent been on here for much recently, and I do not have any recent material. However I have something to post today; right now. Though the post itself is old; I wrote it a while back but did not post it. Its better than nothing or I should let you be the judge of that. And also soon after this would be my birthday post, like this post, its been sitting on my desktop just taking space. I know it was last month but I couldnt come on here, its an apreciation of all the people in my life. its my gratitude. Though both messages arent really on the same page; however, they were both sincere expressions of how i felt at the time each was written. Here is the first titled: Self Assessment.
Its one of those days when even though there doesnt seem to be time enough for all the physical tasks, and there is a lot to do; the most pressing seems to be something that totally eludes me. Because I often experience this feeling and have since I was a child, I know enough to realise that the thing that is the most pressing eludes me because it isnt a physical chore, its a mental one.
Everyonce in a while, to stay sane I have to assess everything around me; Like my relationship with God, friends, family members both distant and close who have come within my orbit in the past one week. I also access my activities as well as what has been uppermost in my thoughts in the last week.
This week has been one of a kind for me, and because I have been exposed to so much (due to the fact that I started a new job), there is wayy too much data for me to process. However I have made a mental note to not assess any of my colleagues at my new job because assessing them will make me form opinions already without proper insight. I am thinking a weeks interaction is not enough base to build an opinion on character even though I am mostly a very good judge of character.
So now that I have ruled out the job as a possible worry influence; whats left is family and friends. Hmm, family…, now I am wondering why I did not start this blog as an anonymous blog, I would have been able to air my soul rightabout now but for the fact that my sister may soon be here visiting. So thats put paid to that!. Any opinions bout family stays in!.
Haa, I am left with friends. hmmm.
I am one of those girls who finds it easier to maintain close friendships with people of the opposite sex. So since I was in primary 1, my closest friends have been guys. From Tobe in primary 1 to Abimbola in primary 3 and then Orobosa in primary 4. In primary 5 and secondary school, I tried and maintained close friendships with girls though, but as one of the group. It wasnt bad but maybe that was because I never really opened up about myself. So over the years, I have learnt not to open up to anyone; choosing to do the self assessment thing instead. But I wish I never let up. I wish I DIDNT SUCCEED IN CONVINCING MYSELF AT A TIME THAT IT WAS EASIER TO LIVE WITHOUT ALL THAT CONTROL.
So today I am assessing my friendships with my loved ones; the love I did choose and I am here gasping for breath. I have been varying things to my three closest friends of recent. Most of which I cannot brag about. Before I pour out more than my soul can bear to lose, lemme end this line right here.
This week its come to my knowledge that in the past three years I have evolved more than all the rest years of my life. I am actually an emotionally strong person but circumstances have interfered to break that part of me. I have cried in the last three years than in all the rest years of my life combined; and for varying things. The friendships I have formed in these period have been “needy” ones. I have relied too much on friends than I usually do. And in unusual fashion I have told all, bared my soul. That has taken away much of the mystery surrounding me; what makes me me.
All these has come up now, because I am evolving again. I am getting my strength back. I am building myself to be emotionally strong again. This process involves auditing my current friendships. I admit I have been blessed with some really great friends who have helped build me, and add to me daily. I love my friends and I am glad that they shared my life and are part of my story. But I cant carry along a crowd so I would be pruning and shearing. I admit that I wont be cutting anyone of, but I would be limiting my availabilty to a large extent, and this is because I need to find me again.
The next stage of my life is one I want to enter in with a great sense of self. I have made mistakes and have blundered through life like an hour old calf, still blind from the womb. I have been slow at too much and have dreamed too little. I am reorienting myself and learning to need people less. I am starting to dream and to believe again. I am waking up to the realisation that I may not have lost anytime and to quit mourning; because who knows how much time still is left for anyone? Seventy might be the start for some whilst others may start at !5 and be long gone before 30, so who is to say?
And to my friends, even though I might not need you so much anymore, this doesnt mean I dont still love you or that I love you anyless; it just means I am growing up and getting strong and finding my own. At the end its my race and theres somethings that only me can help me with.
Thank you for been there for me when I was broken, and for letting me lean all my weight on you. And for holding my hands even when you knew I was keen on self destructing. Thank you for carrying me as often as you did; but this is the part where I go on my own, so someday I too might have the strength to carry you too.